my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
