I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
