I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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