I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
