thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
