I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
