im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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