If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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