ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
