Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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