I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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