(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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