i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Hippo gnu deer
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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