We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
