so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
