I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
