The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
