Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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