When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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