dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
