Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Randomize
