Cold hands, warm shart.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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