CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
