Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
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I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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