i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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