you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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