please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
