New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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