just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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