I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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