I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
