I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
