I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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