Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
