What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Randomize
