I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Less talking, more tequila
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
