Where did you get a picture of my penis
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
