While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
