battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I wish there were birth control emojis
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
