i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
