the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Never underestimate the power of titties
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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