Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
