Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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