I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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