Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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