I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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