have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
