I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
