new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
