You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
