I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
