omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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