Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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