we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
